The North Dorms' justification for invasion

By Liz Tabasko
Congressional Representative
October 18, 2006

We, the residents of North Dorms, have grown tired of sharing the Union with South Campus. No longer do we wish to see the weaker residents of La Salle University standing in line at LaSallad Bowl. We are tired of waiting in line as you choose a muffin every morning. We are the stronger residents and we will win control of the Union. In the middle of the night, we will storm down the hill. The residents of South Campus have been pampered for too long. They will witness the strength of North Dorms and will cower down, surrendering and accepting our terms. Before attacking, we will present to you the reasons we feel entitled to use of the Union. We will also outline the consequences of this choice, should you choose to decline signing over the building.

The most important resource in the Union that we desire is food. As you may or may not know, the B&G closes its doors on Friday evening until Monday morning. The residents of North Dorms are left to fend for themselves. We can either make the 20-minute trip to Treetops, or we may simply stop at the Union. We are tired of sharing the Union with South Campus. We demand control of Intermissions (we refuse to call it Cafe Metro). We no longer want to share our Union muffins. South residents order food, guzzling milkshakes and shoving down mozzarella sticks as a midnight snack as we patiently wait for our lunch/dinner combination meal. We are tired of going hungry on weekends.

The residents of North Dorms have been well conditioned for this civil war. With your hot water and your air-conditioned rooms, you have grown weak and will not be able to withstand battle. While you sit in your lounges, watching television with your peers, we sit on picnic tables outside and engage in conversation. As you crawl into bed on any given weeknight, after studying in one of the study lounges, we listen to merry partygoers as they travel back to their homes on Chew Avenue or 20th Street. We study through distractions and miss out on sleep. In the morning, we crawl out of bed and into our cold showers, emerging clean and invigorated. Early morning fire alarms have numbed us to the cold fall air. If you are not convinced that our residents are stronger because of our endurance to various weather patterns or distractions, consider our journey to classes every morning. As we leave our rooms and rush to any of the academic buildings, we face two major obstacles: Olney Avenue and 20th Street. From our first days as freshmen, we became aware of the dangers involved in crossing these roads. We weave between buses and cars, darting across the street and dodging anyone handing out free menus. The residents of North Dorms are strong, intelligent and resilient, and we will claim victory.

Do not think that we will come alone during our attack. At this point, we have formed alliances with the wildlife which used to cause numerous problems. Our indestructible cockroaches will follow us to your territory, invading your living spaces and driving you from your comfortable rooms and into the wild environs of Wister Woods. Our mice will eat through your food, destroying your supplies and leaving you hungry and disgusting. Finally, our squirrels will hurl acorns at you like snipers, taking down even the best you have to put against us.

It is in your best interest to surrender the Union now. Understand that surrender and defeat are your only options.

tabaskoe1@lasalle.edu