Candy coated apologetics

By Cory Anotado
Collegian Staff
February 14, 2007

Now that I’m not single, Valentine’s Day is kind of awesome. There are gifts exchanged between my girlfriend and I; we make mushy faces at each other while eating chocolates and watching stupid movies. Even while I was single, I enjoyed the 14th of February for three big reasons. Oh Valentine’s Day, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

One: Candy. Valentine’s Day is actually Canadian slang for “Give people free candy.” There are several types of candy that one can eat during Valentine’s Day. The first is those stupid conversation hearts. You know, the candy-like antacids? Yeah, those suck. They’re actually love repellants: give one saying “Hot Stud” to someone, and not only will they not be yours, but you’ll probably have a box of candy chalk up your nose. The second type of V-Day candy is the almighty box of chocolates. Yes, sometimes shaped in a heart (which decreases the volume of candy in a box) or in that neat Whitman Sampler cross-stitch box, Valentine chocolates are some of the finest confections ever to come out of Hershey and beyond. Be careful, though: contrary to popular belief, once you bite a piece of candy, you must eat the entire thing. There is no way your significant other will confuse a 12-point dental match of your teeth with a manufacturing error or a “pothole on the way here.” The third kind of candy is the clearance bin candy. You can spot this candy by its wrapping: look for snow, evergreen trees, fuzzy red hats and Santa Claus.

Two: The downers. Those who are depressed and saddened because they have no one to celebrate the glut-fest that is Valentine’s Day with are possibly the most fun to laugh at. I was once there, drowning my sorrows in conversation hearts and red foil-covered chocolate. But, in senior year of high school, something changed. I stopped caring! The 14th became another day, and those who were mopey or actually genuinely sad about not having someone to love on Valentine’s Day got a quick glance from me, a pat on the back, a box of those disgusting chalky hearts and a “Cheer up, tomorrow’s another day!”

Three: Hugs. Not even kisses. Kisses are overrated and usually involve a level of trust and friendship that I’m sure a lot of people don’t have much time for (especially those who have fallen in the category of point two). Hugs are harmless and, let’s be fair, feel really good. On any given day, I will usually con one or two girls, and two guys, into a hug, and that usually suffices. But, gentlemen, take note: on Valentine’s Day, the excuse to get a hug trumps your birthday, Christmas, the Eagles winning the Super Bowl or your winning the Powerball, the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes and the top prize on Deal or No Deal at exactly the same time. Girls are giddy from an excess of sugar in their bloodstream, the endorphins from some guys giving them cards (which, no doubt they bought five to 10 minutes before meeting them) and the hay fever from the flowers they received. Therefore, there should be nothing stopping most girls on Valentine’s Day from giving you the hugs you so sweetly deserve.

The combination of candy, losers and hugs, to me, form an Ultrazord-like combination, making my Valentine’s Day enjoyable and complete. Sure, it may not compare to the Captain Planetary amalgam of gifts and Jesus that Christmas has, but this Feb. 14 isn’t too bad.

anotadoc1@lasalle.edu