Who is Mr. Winkle?

By Kylie Jane Wakefield
Collegian Editor
February 14, 2007

Sometimes in life there are questions with no definite answers. Like, “What is the meaning of life?” “What is more important, money or happiness?” and “Do you know the muffin man?”

Such trivial questions do not bother me. My concerns are far more important than those petty problems that face the general population. Day to day I suffer in silence, ponder without promise and question my quandary. There is only one question I need solved: who or what is Mr. Winkle?

When I was first introduced to this “canine,” he was guest-starring on an episode of Sex and the City. I was frightened, intrigued and just plain perplexed at what exactly was the creature on the telly. He was too cute to be a real, living thing, too cuddly to actually exist. For one thing, I wasn’t convinced he was real. I just had to learn more.

On Mr. Winkle’s Web site, his owner Lara Regan (who found him astray) claims that this enigma is “the cutest dog in the universe.” Notice how it doesn’t say “world.”

Is this a ploy to distract us from the true facts – that Mr. Winkle just could be – are you ready for it — an alien? It may sound ridiculous, but it’s just my own little conspiracy theory I devised before even logging onto the site (you will understand this later). I have presented my theory to leading Harvard researchers and a Mr. Winkle Conspiracy Theory group in Hamburg, Germany. Let’s just say that they are highly responsive to my hypothesis, and I have since gained thousands of believers. We have joined forces and call ourselves the Mr. Winkle Alien Hierarchy (MWAH).

We spend our time analyzing photos of our subject, closely inspecting each and every inch of his tiny furry body with high tech microscopes and stuff. I won’t bother you with our scientifical jargon, but trust me, our analysis goes pretty deep.

If you log onto mrwinkle.com, you can see what I mean. From the frequently asked questions section to the numerous photo galleries, it’s oh so abundantly clear that Mr. Winkle is indeed an alien. Besides the boasting “Cutest Dog in the Universe” title, the Web site foremost declares that “YES! MR. WINKLE IS REAL!” All caps? Sounds suspicious.

This statement claiming his actual existence is placed before all other frequently asked questions. A very defensive tone in the text, it seems to me. Obviously, Regan knows that Winkle is truly unreal. Why else would she be on the defense?

The third question on the Web site, “What’s with his tongue?” is something MWAH and I have been wondering for quite some time as well. Without any clear-cut evidence, we can just assume that Winkle’s gargantuan tongue is used to eat huge Earth objects – like maybe large rocks or luxury yachts. Either way, Winkle’s unusual proportions are nothing a mere mortal puppy could withstand. The mass of his tongue alone should weigh him down. He clearly has the strength of an extraterrestrial being.

The fourth question is just a joke. It asks where Mr. Winkle came from. Regan foolishly made one fatal error: she confesses to Mr. Winkle being an alien. She tries to be coy and state that “Many fans and followers believe he was beamed here from another planet to study humanity, and that Mr. Winkle is actually a mini-alien in a cheap doggie disguise!” If that’s not a defense mechanism, I don’t know what is.

Only MWAH knows the real truth behind this “pup,” and one day we will expose him to the entire world. Or universe. But for now, I’ve got to order my signature Mr. Winkle poseable plush doll (they’re only $24.95!). Bark, bark. Beam me up, Mr. Winkle, I’m spent.

wakefieldk1@lasalle.edu