Pirates v. robots v. ninjas: ninja victory

By Mark Costello
Collegian Editor
January 31, 2007

Ninjas. The very word terrifies the bravest of men, leaving them a quivering puddle of ninja-repelled goo at the foot of whatever large, stationary object they were once clinging to upon hearing the word “ninjas” in the course of daily conversation. And of course, this is the proper reaction. If someone doesn’t react this way, then surely he or she misunderstands the true import of the word.

Voldemort is scared of ninjas. Sauron tried to hire ninjas to be part of his unyielding army of darkness, but they kept scaring the orcs and giants senseless. He then turned them into the Nine Riders. Ninjas came through the wardrobe from Narnia because Aslan couldn’t handle the sheer force of awesomeness that the Emperor-beyond-the-Sea had created. Arthur has a band of ninjas, and he called it the Round Table. They brought peace to England and established the empire that shaped Western history with a strength not seen since the golden days of Ancient Rome. Ninjas fought and won on both sides of World War II, and if anyone ever asks you what the force that unites all elemental forces in the universe is, the answer, of course, is ninja force. Ninjas, gravity, magnetism—all essential for the sustaining of life as we know it.

But what of the particulars? First, they are masters of all forms of combat, known and unknown, and have the ability to appear and disappear at whim (a set of characteristics noted by highly respected doctors Christopher Turk and John “J.D.” Dorian in the Scrubs episode entitled “My Big Mouth,” season two). This ability to bend space and time, to divide the unity of space and time that is existence but then reunite at a point of their choice, makes them stronger than elastic and turns them into human (a word I use for convenience because they are obviously some form of superhuman) flux capacitors.

When these awesome forces unite, then, we see why it is a given that they would win an epic war between themselves, robots and pirates. While pirates were too busy dancing around with bottles of rum in their hands and manually loading cannon fodder into their armaments, ninjas would make their hearts stop beating through sheer force of will. They would then walk on the water surrounding their boats, using their swords to cut holes all around, turning the boat into driftwood. This would all happen in negative 16 seconds—yes, after it happens, it would actually be earlier than when it started. And, come now, pirate fashion is nothing compared to ninja fashion. Black is in, tri-corner hats went out with 1776.

At least pirates, theoretically, have something more than the physical—souls or some such business—but robots are nothing but physical matter, a set of electrical impulses, wiring and metal. And since ninjas are the emperors of the physical, metaphysical and spiritual worlds, then they could remove robots from the realm of existence by merely thinking that robots ought not to have ever existed. They could very well do this while stopping pirates’ hearts, sinking their ships and reversing time—for ninjas are excellent at multitasking. This also makes them ideal college students, which leads to them having doctoral degrees in all known and unknown fields.

Love them, fear them, and when the great three-way civil war between pirates, ninjas and robots finally happens, know which of the three to back.

costellom4@lasalle.edu