Winning with style: a savvy pirate boon, yarr

By Jo Anna Van Thuyne
Collegian Staff
January 31, 2007

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. Pirates would reign supreme in a three-way battle royale between themselves, ninjas and robots. The life of a pirate isn’t an easy one, though. Disney may have made Johnny Depp look oh-so-ravishing, but believe me, pirates didn’t have eyeliner lying around in their cabins. Pirates would spend months huddled together on a ship. They would sail treacherous waters and withstand blistering heat and deathly winds. Braving the elements has made the pirate a vicious, strong and determined character. While ninjas are tai chi-ing somewhere, and robots are plugged into a wall, pirates are toughening up.

Now, robots don’t stand a chance with pirates. You know that cannon they have on their ships? It’ll wreck robots. So what if a robot can fight for hours on end. Have you ever heard of Grace O’Malley, The Pirate Queen? This little Gaelic spitfire has a killer reputation. One of her children was born at sea during a battle with a Turkish ship, and while she was giving birth, it looked like she was done for. Grace screamed out, “May you be seven times worse this day 12 months, who cannot do without me for one day!” She went on deck, waving a pistol, and said, “Take this from unconsecrated hands!” She then captured the Turkish ship, killed the crew and added the ship to her fleet. Who can mess with that? The will and determination of a pirate easily outweighs the slow metallic robot.

Now it’s time to move on to the ninja. The first obvious argument is that the ninja is the master of stealth. But the pirate is also good at trickery. Pirates have been known to sail with a Swedish flag. When merchant ships saw the flag they didn’t worry (the Swedes are hippies, as it turns out), but once the pirate’s ship was within pillaging range, down went the Swedish flag, and up went the Jolly Roger. Pirates are always on the look out for trickery, to which they’re no stranger.

Remember the footmen from the Power Rangers series, those ninjas sent to fight the Power Rangers? Why did it always take one swing to knock them down? They’re wusses, that’s why. Pirates can withstand enormous amounts of pain. A doctor wasn’t on a pirate ship, but rather a carpenter. Why? Because they were known to saw injured appendages off and replace them with wooden pegs, yes, in mid-battle. If someone’s leg was hit by a bullet, the leg got sawed off and on went a peg. The pirate goes right back to fight. I don’t think a little shuriken can stop a pirate in mid-battle, do you?

It’s no contest, really. Pirates are the best and no one should ever mess with them. They’ll rob your house and take your wife and not even think twice about it. Pirates rule, ninjas drool and robots are slow and heavy. Keep to the code, and remember: dead men tell no tales.

vanthuynej1@lasalle.edu