Columnist proposes easier opponents for Flyers

By Max Orenstein
Collegian Staff
February 7, 2007

The Philadelphia Flyers are awful. They’ve gotten off to a 13-32-7 start and have been outscored by a total of 197-130. Currently positioned dead last in the NHL, Philadelphia doesn’t consist of one player with a positive +/- rating. The team looks big, slow and sloppy. Their style of play just isn’t conducive to most of the recent rule changes.

I found it in my heart to give the Flyers a hand. It’s become quite apparent that Philadelphia can’t handle the big, bad teams of the NHL. So I took it upon myself to save Gary Bettman the trouble and revised a portion of the Philadelphia Flyers’ 2007 schedule.

Feb. 7: at Philadelphia Phantoms It might be productive to start the Flyers off against their own farm squad. Even if the Flyers can’t come away with a win, they might find some talent they never knew they had.

Feb. 8: at La Salle University The Flyers shouldn’t have a problem with a virtually unknown collegiate club team. The Explorers are supposed to be feisty, but one would assume that six foot, four inch, 244 lb. Derian Hatcher would be able to stand his ground, even if he is in the presence of God.

Feb. 10: St. Basil’s Academy I know this is an all-girls high school, and I doubt they even have a hockey team. But if the Flyers can stay out of the penalty box, they ought to escape with a victory. This is no guarantee, however, because Peter Forsberg will spontaneously decide to start playing tough and identify this as the perfect opportunity to finally drop the gloves.

Feb. 12: vs. The Republican Party Similar to the Flyers, these guys haven’t been seeing too many victories lately. Philly can’t coast through this one, though. Despite being blown away by Bob Casey in the Pennsylvania Senatorial election, scouting reports claim that Rick Santorum has a nasty slap shot.

Feb. 15: vs. Philadelphia 76ers Face it: this city’s teams are miserable. Let the bottom of the barrel of American sports battle to the death. No matter what the outcome is, Philadelphia has to win, right?

Feb. 17: at Barbaro The Flyers should have no problem beating a dead horse.

Should this revised schedule get confirmed, it will be a step in the right direction. The Flyers have a golden opportunity to get back into contention in the Eastern Conference, but a loss to any of the above teams would be detrimental. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that, despite my generosity, the Flyers are going to lose seven out of the eight anyway. I’m not a miracle worker.

orensteinm1@lasalle.edu